Entry: mimosa pudica Dec 30, 2016

Sensitivity – sensitive yet firm and assertive in stating my hurt feelings without being ashamed for them, or turn inwardly to criticizing my hurt feelings and feeling shame and guilt for them, or turn outwardly to blame the world for not understanding the pain I am feeling within and justifying my feelings, or learn from emotional triggers and slowly retreating or tuning out the world, or learn the hard way of turning cold and not feeling anything at all, or laugh off the pain and treat it as a minor problem. Pain is gone when we shift our focus on something else. You see, our hearts are meant to feel and experience the world close-up. What is too much then? You learn from lessons, you learn being an adult, as if nothing scares you anymore, as if nothing can affect you the way it did before. You learn that people aren't always nice and thoughtful. You learn that you have to thread carefully and watch out for your surroundings. You learn that external influences can be hard to keep out of. You learn that it is not always the best way to cry and refuse to get up and brood about it and not move on with life. You learn that escaping is not always the best route. You learn that refusing to come into contact with anyone isn't the best idea. You learn that living is harder than staying dead. You learn that you are weak in front of anything that threatens your self-esteem, your self-worth, your self-interest. You start to look at armors, defensive gears, or maybe you invest in guns and weapons, it depends on your preference for killing. Maybe i would want a bomb that cause massive destruction, quick, fast, controlled timing and place, bodies flying and imploded, nothing is in complete pieces. Or maybe, i would want a device that causes slow painful death as i would want to watch you suffer. Or maybe, i want satisfaction for myself in taking aim and looking through the scope well aware that you are my prey and i am finally the hunter. Or maybe, i like to tease you a little with you scared and begging for my release as i come near you and hold the weapon to your head, just so i can feel in power and authority. Or maybe, i want to see you going insane from experiencing loneliness and solitude in a dark room, tied up and helpless with no one to call to, with no concept of time or space, or the world outside. And all of these tendencies, all of these need to inflict pain back, just because the heart is damaged. An eye for an eye, because the world has done this to me. Maybe that is the mentality, or maybe it is not. But why the hatred then? You refuse to be weak and back down, you want revenge but you dont know what for, it is probably your only outlet to vent some frustration. If anyone tells you otherwise, would you listen? Would love take you back from the hell's edge?


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